A lesson in gratitude

It's been almost two months since treatment started. Are we in a better place? Yes. Do we want it all to go away immediately? A resounding yes to that too. Do we have a choice? No.

All of us wake up(we are finally managing to sleep) every morning and as one would expect, for a few seconds the mind has forgotten. The day feels like a clean slate. But then it hits and you really just want to go back to sleep.

I know that a lot of people are dealing with a lot worse. A worse prognosis, a worse disease, a worse treatment, lack of finances and what not. So it really comes down to counting our blessings. Because life may have played us a weak hand right now, but there have always been moments that made us grateful. Little acts of kindness pour in from friends and strangers alike, making me believe in goodness in the world. No other time in life can teach you gratitude than when you are down and out.

The other lesson we are learning is to cherish every small moment of peace or happiness. A pain free day, a good night's sleep, a good test report, being able to feel less fatigued and believe it or not- being fit enough to go for your next session of chemotherapy.  We never thought we would be this excited to get the next set of drugs or to see a relatively better blood report. Happiness really is relative.

Of giant hospitals and tiny rays of hope

Now that the bubble burst, its time to face the music. Out of the many loved ones I spoke to during this time, one quote stuck with me 'ab zindagi mili hai, jini to padegi'. This has been my constant motto with K ever since. The big difference comes with how we want to spend the next few months and years. Crying over spilt milk? Or dusting our ass and moving on?

And so we came bag and baggage to NCR, the place that is home. Because home heals like no place else. Among our countless blessings have been Kartikeya's family full of doctors who know what they are talking about. No other place seems more comfortable than in front of a doctor at this time. And doctors who are family make it that much easier to process all the hell that has broken loose.

But then, it was our turn to confront the H word. The crazy hospital where oncology seemed like the busiest place on earth. When you get there, you realise that cancer is not something that just happened to you, its a world epidemic that has arrived in India in style. We may still not be first world, but our diseases are certainly becoming so. From the 3 month old to the 80 year old, all ages, genders, shapes and sizes can be seen there. And suddenly chemotherapy did not seem like a bad word.

When the bubble burst

Yes, its finally time to write again after all these years. The years that were spent running around like a headless chicken, changing jobs, doing jobs, getting married to the love of my life, shuttling between many cities...until this headless chicken hit a wall that seems too high to jump right now.

That feeling of inexplicable pain when you just do not know what hit you. I had spent the last two years conviniently ignoring my intuition. We all come with limited time on this earth. When we find a person we love, outside the realm of family, and we choose to marry them, it is only fair that we want to spend time with them. Both of us thought that time will come once we get to the same city. And getting to the same city can wait till we get what we want in our jobs.

It all came crashing down that afternoon in the hospital. What they show in movies really happened to us. The big C word hit us so hard. It came with fear, guilt, paranoia, anxiety and what not. We usually think that it will not happen to us, but my visibility of the world and lifestyles had been telling me for a long time that it could happen to me or a loved one. Yet, I continued to live in my bubble of positivity. Until the really sharp needle of cancer burst it.