A year since

This month is painfully special. It's reality hit me yesterday, when the very intelligent Google Photos pulled up a picture from a year ago, with K smiling through an oxygen mask, very sick but having no idea of what was about to hit us in exactly 3 days.
On a side note- Photos asked me to rediscover this day, and it's machine stupidity pissed me off.
Every day in May, as we inch closer to many firsts- the first few seconds after diagnosis, first tryst with terrifying doctors and hospitals, the first dose of chemo..we are trying to stay sane.
A lot changed in the last one year, and while we were soon entering a dark dark tunnel exactly a year ago, K and I are in different parts of the world today. While I cannot wait to see him again in a few days, I also know that we need this time to contemplate and start our own healing process.
The last one year has shown our resilience but also exposed our weaknesses. What we believed to be true about ourselves turned into completely different realities, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.
Apart from all the lessons we learnt last year, what I realise today is that time never stays the same and that's why it is our best friend and our worst enemy. So ride the wave while it lasts, and when it's gone wait for the next one with as much courage and peace as possible.
Here's hoping we rise again slowly and surely. 

Getting real with some practical advice

A change of year is an opportunity to try for a change in habits, fate and life in general. How much stuff changes remains to be seen. A lot changed for us in 2017, and quite honestly we can do with some stability for some time now.
It would be a shame to not summarise all the practical stuff we learnt last year, and while we hope no one has to go through what we went through, let's be honest here..life happens. When it does, you would want to be as prepared as possible.

So here goes my list, in no particular order of priority

1. Get insurance. Health and life. Yes, that stuff works. If you have corporate, get well acquainted with it and top up if required. Saying this because there are many young working couples out there who have no clue about this stuff and probably only buy for tax saving. And this is not just one person's job, all grown ups in the family should be able to handle this.

2. Save some buffer. Since many of us are not doing the above, you need buffer funds to ride through the time you take to figure point 1 out

3. Keep your friends close, but your doctors even closer. Let's face it, our lifestyles and environment aren't taking us in a very healthy direction. Don't be a hypochondriac but read up about medicine and what's going on in the world. Have a circle of trustworthy doctors in your city. Get yearly checks. And don't pop pills erratically or without consultation. Don't take antibiotics until prescribed.

4. Google is your best friend, and your worst enemy. It will help you find amazing solutions, people, doctors and hospitals and much more. But do remember that according to Google, any headache is probably a brain cancer.

5. When the worst hits you, reach out to those more knowledgeable or experienced and willing to help. Ask questions. We didn't know what to ask when cancer happened to us, now we know we can help others to some extent when they are just puzzled by what hit  them.

6. Don't get bitter. When things don't go your way, in any form, try not to think why me. Because well, no one is going to give an answer and you are going to end up feeling worse.

Living in fear

We live in all kinds of fear. The fear of losing loved ones, the fear of losing financial security, the fear of being physically or mentally unfit to lead happy lives..the list goes on. Most of us are forced to face these fears, head-on at least once in our lifetime. Many of us continue to face them throughout our lives and that just becomes our new normal.

One of the reasons cancer is so dreaded is the fear of relapse. Once you have been with this disease for the first time, you never want to face that trauma again. But then is it not true for any disease or unpleasant incident in our lives? Who would want to revisit a heart attack or a car accident or the loss of a loved one?

Yet, we continue to live and thrive in the background noise of our past miseries.
Yes, we humans are super resilient. We move on. The painful memories fade over time, and they come rushing back on some days.

Nobody is living without fear in this world. Everyone has their demons. Clearly, K and I have signed up for ours.  Here's hoping we will develop our method for living with this fear.

Choose wisely

We are a week away from the finish line. Next Tuesday, we hope to see the end of the most gruelling part of the disease- chemotherapy. There will still be more to go for a couple of years, but it will pale in comparison to what you have already been through.

It will be 6 months, since the nightmare began. We have certainly come a long way. You have certainly come a long way. No one can gauge the length of the last 6 months better than you. It's true what they say- cancer strips you of everything. Your sense of self, your ego and more often than not- your dignity.

We are more humble than when we started out, and a little fearful about the future. But this journey was not our choice. What we learnt is that we have far less control over our lives than we imagine. And that's why, in every moment that you have the luxury of choice- choose wisely.

The sense of loss

It has been 100 days of treatment, with about 60 of them spent at the hospital. While the way life has changed has sunk in very well, the sense of loss is only now beginning to register.
Well, this is something I would call a first world problem, given that K is responding well to treatment. Deeper down- it is a lot more for us. Most of us don't ponder over the subject of our mortality till a much older age.
When you think about it, you realise that life is very uncertain and any moment can be your last. But cancer changes that at a very basic level. It takes away your right to treat death as an unpredictable element. It makes mortality that much real, way before its years in our case. And that brings with it a sense of loss that cannot be explained in words.
So what do you do? Where do you go from here? Well, we hope to spend some time figuring that out. Yes, being positive is important but living in a fool's paradise has never been our thing.

Deglamorise suffering

It was important to write this one. Because we regularly get encouraging messages about positivity and strength. The truth is, it often doesn't come through. It is difficult to be positive when you have been healthy all your life and suddenly it feels like that will no longer be the case. You will expect important people like your colleagues and friends to empathise and have your back but sometimes, they will fail. You will expect that particular drug to not cause all the side effects it claims, but it will still happen. You will expect your doctor to give you absolute confidence and attention but they may fail. The truth is, sometimes the world will let you down, and be positive will sound very empty and honestly, pissing off at times.
There have been sagas of K's bravery in confronting the disease and the very intense treatment. But for someone living it every day, this was not a choice but an imposition. He would rather be fit and common than unwell and special and brave.
We have quickly learnt that suffering has been glamorised under the garb of motivation and bravery far too often. Probably due to the lack of better phrases to express our concern as friends and family.So here are some words/actions I propose to use when a loved one is going through rough times
-pray to give them strength in tough times
-if you belong to their work/home ecosystem, try to make their day more comfortable physically. Our country is not the most friendly for those who are not at their fittest
-dont say be positive, say its ok to not have hope on some days. On others, wish for them to find reasons to see the silver lining
-dont say you are inspired by their bravery, say that you hope they can be strong enough to deal with it.
-dont say dont worry, offer ways to address some of their worries.

Don't waste your breath

Breaths matter. Physically and emotionally. We take so many every day, that we forget they are there, until one day we start losing them. Any illness teaches us the importance of every body part. When a little part of us doesn't function well, we feel scared and inadequate.

The one month that K had fluid in his chest, every breath became laborious. The first month of treatment was spent just trying to get our breath back- physically and metaphorically. Suddenly our priorities became so clear. Lives cannot be lived without love and health.

We waste so many breaths every day. Fretting about our jobs, what others say or do, or what we wanted but could not do. I would say- save it. Because you really don't want to see the day when you can count your breaths on your fingers. Let the world happen to you. Slow down. Feel the length of the day without rushing all the time. Make every breath count.