Deglamorise suffering

It was important to write this one. Because we regularly get encouraging messages about positivity and strength. The truth is, it often doesn't come through. It is difficult to be positive when you have been healthy all your life and suddenly it feels like that will no longer be the case. You will expect important people like your colleagues and friends to empathise and have your back but sometimes, they will fail. You will expect that particular drug to not cause all the side effects it claims, but it will still happen. You will expect your doctor to give you absolute confidence and attention but they may fail. The truth is, sometimes the world will let you down, and be positive will sound very empty and honestly, pissing off at times.
There have been sagas of K's bravery in confronting the disease and the very intense treatment. But for someone living it every day, this was not a choice but an imposition. He would rather be fit and common than unwell and special and brave.
We have quickly learnt that suffering has been glamorised under the garb of motivation and bravery far too often. Probably due to the lack of better phrases to express our concern as friends and family.So here are some words/actions I propose to use when a loved one is going through rough times
-pray to give them strength in tough times
-if you belong to their work/home ecosystem, try to make their day more comfortable physically. Our country is not the most friendly for those who are not at their fittest
-dont say be positive, say its ok to not have hope on some days. On others, wish for them to find reasons to see the silver lining
-dont say you are inspired by their bravery, say that you hope they can be strong enough to deal with it.
-dont say dont worry, offer ways to address some of their worries.

Don't waste your breath

Breaths matter. Physically and emotionally. We take so many every day, that we forget they are there, until one day we start losing them. Any illness teaches us the importance of every body part. When a little part of us doesn't function well, we feel scared and inadequate.

The one month that K had fluid in his chest, every breath became laborious. The first month of treatment was spent just trying to get our breath back- physically and metaphorically. Suddenly our priorities became so clear. Lives cannot be lived without love and health.

We waste so many breaths every day. Fretting about our jobs, what others say or do, or what we wanted but could not do. I would say- save it. Because you really don't want to see the day when you can count your breaths on your fingers. Let the world happen to you. Slow down. Feel the length of the day without rushing all the time. Make every breath count.

Pause, but never stop

When something drastic or traumatic happens to us, it is natural to pause, but it is important to never stop. But this is so much easier said than done.

Whether you are the patient or the care giver, cancer becomes a painful reason to stop. Stop what you are doing, stop what you are dreaming, and stop smiling. We stopped too, and we continue to take long pauses because it is still too soon. Especially soon for K- both mentally and physically.

This is where two kinds of people come into play. Those that ask you to pause, and those that push you to keep moving, even if it hurts. We have been so lucky to have access to the second kind. These people range from colleagues in our office, to friends and family.

Just like stagnant water starts stinking after some time, its true for life too. Life, after all must flow on.

I miss you.

I miss you. What i have come to learn the hard way is that even though we were long distance for 3 years, I always had you. On phone calls, on weekends, on chats, always had you for the last 8 years. But I lost you in so many ways these last couple of months.

Between treatments and hospitals and side effects, not just your good cells and bad cells, but so much of you is being killed everyday that it is just too painful to see. That aggressive, honest to death, tall, lanky, baby hearted man that I love seems so far away right now. I hope you come back soon.